Spiritual Speed Limit

I am always amazed by how often a Confession Father has to encourage people to pray and to read their Bibles.

Now I know that modern life is pretty busy and pretty hard to get organised and balanced, but that’s not what I’m talking about here. I’m talking about the person who doesn’t do those things because they find them uninteresting, or even unpleasant.

Communicating with God ought to be one of the most beautiful experiences we can have. Imagine with me, for a moment, that tonight as you prepare for bed Jesus Himself appears in your bedroom. “Come, sit down beside Me My child,” He says gently. “There is so much I want to hear from you! Tell me, how is your life at the moment?”

What would your reaction be? “Oh, sorry Jesus (yawn). I’m really tired tonight. So do You think we could do this some other time?” I don’t think so.

We seem to have an amazing talent for turning something beautiful into something really boring. We do this by letting our time with God degenerate into a routine; or a heavy duty; or a footnote to ‘real life’. We look at the Agbia as a timesheet – so long as I tick off the boxes as completed I’ve done my job. Finish them quick and you’ll have more time for fun things. Read a bit in the Bible and tick that box for extra bonus points.

Time with God is a journey where the travelling itself is almost as important as the destination. There are two ways to go for a drive in the country. One is to drive at maximum speed because you just want to get to where you are going. The other is to drive more slowly and enjoy the scenery along the way. I think that spiritual practices are meant to be more like the leisurely drive. There is so much to learn and so much to enjoy along the way – why rush to the finish?

Why not make the journey your own; stamp your individual mark upon it. Do you like singing? Sing your Agbia prayers. Use tunes that you enjoy, that bring the words to life for YOU. Are you a thinker? Forget the ‘word limit’ on your Bible reading. Just read until you have enough to mull over and contemplate and transform into daily practice.

So take your foot off the accelerator for a little while and cruise gracefully along the highway of prayer, stopping for a leisurely lunch at Cafe Bible. I can confidently recommend the honey scones…

Fr Ant

Zephaniah’s Zoo

Reading the second chapter of Zephaniah, I found it interesting to see how the overthrow of the evil nations is often portrayed in the Old Testament as a victory for nature. The plants and the animals resume their domination of lands that once were ruled by mighty kings.

It implies that man is, after all, pretty weak. Even his greatest constructions fall to the gentle ravages of time and nature combined – the empire created by God, nature, always wins out in the end. The fragile pelican shall sit as king upon the great pillars, and the mournful cry of the bittern shall replace the trumpets of the King. These inhabitants at least, shall praise the true God, unlike their human predecessors.

It is also a metaphor for getting back to basics, for simplicity, for ‘meekness and humility’. The simple life in touch with the land and the seasons and the beasts somehow instils in us a mode of connection that we miss when we are surrounded by our own creations in the city. Perhaps it is because we can no longer clearly see God’s creation? Perhaps it is because our own urban creations make for an incredibly unbalanced life, one of rush and anxiety and unfocussed vision that leads us to look too much to things that don’t matter? In the city, where is the wonder of the Milky Way at night, bisecting a sky dazzled with uncountable stars? Where is the gentle serenity of a silent walk in the fields with nothing but cows and dandelions for company? Where is the profound meditation that comes from these experiences, building up day after day to a well of wisdom?

It reminds me of a story I once read about an American father who takes his son to an impoverished third world country to teach him about poverty. The child comes home and thanks his father for showing him just how poor he really is. For the child, the simple life of the impoverished citizens, with time to spare, surrounded by people who love you with a love undiluted by material cares and the beauty of nature for your roof, walls and floor is a life of untold wealth. His own life comes a very poor second!

Simplicity.

A topic worth coming back to…

GBU

Fr Ant

The Challenge of Change

Change dominates our lives. I wonder sometimes if it was always so, or whether we happen to live in an age in which change has particularly accelerated? More likely, the latter.

As a child, water was never in your thoughts – it was something to be used when needed, and wasted happily – how could we ever run out of water??? There was no need to worry about switching off unused lights. It was cheap, and it didn’t do anyone any harm. Big cars were all the rage, never mind the amount of petrol you burned up, or the tons of fumes you spouted out – the earth was big enough to deal with them. No need to lock your doors or close your windows when you went out. Toys and bicycles left on the front lawn for days would still be there when you needed them. And you could pick up a hitch hiker by the road without fear for your life. Kids roamed the suburban streets alone, played in public parks and went to public toilets on their own.

It sounds like another planet.

Today, out lives are taken up far more with technology, which makes wonder too. Technology is a good thing to have, but when you have something, do you really have to use it? Just because it’s there? Someone was joking recently about being addicted to their navigator. Sure, it’s a novelty at first, and then the convenience of it makes it quite useful, but at what price? What price do we pay for our technology addictions?

1. The brain loses skills. Why work out a sum in your head when a calculator can do it for you?
2. The body loses health. Why walk when you can hop in a car to get there?
3. The spirit loses life. Why think of the unseen world when there is so much to interest you in the seen one?

That is certainly a change I have noticed over the years, not least in myself. It can take quite a degree of will power to say, “Stop! I know the technology can do it faster / cheaper / easier, but it isn’t just a matter of getting it done. It’s also a matter of doing. And it is in the doing that I as a human being grow and develop, whether in mind, body or spirit.

I recall HH Pope Shenouda III commenting once on the criticism that today’s Coptic monks live a life of luxury compared to the days of the ancient desert Fathers. Today, they have a nice bed in their cells, a sink with running water (hot and cold). glass windows, and so on.

His response was, yes, that’s true, for this is the way of life from which they have come. But that doesn’t stop the individual monk from choosing to live an ascetic life. He can fill up one jug of water in the morning and make that his ration for the whole day, just as an ancient Father would fill up his jug from the spring in the morning and have to make do with it for the whole day. He can desert his bed and sleep on the floor. He can leave his windows open.

Our life isn’t only the environment we live in, but what we make of that environment, how we use it. Yes, our environment has changed. It has become more crowded, more insecure, more complicated. But that doesn’t mean that our lives have to follow the same trend.

Think about it…

GBU

Fr Ant

Pride Cometh Before the Trivia Fall

Oh Dear.

I was afraid this would happen. For weeks now, the “Men in Black” have been boasting how they would once again sweep the field and win the Trivia Night. With unassailable confidence we said, ‘come and see if you can second’. How could anyone doubt that we would defend our title? And then, last night came the moment of truth.

It wasn’t pretty.

First of all, a record turnout – 27 tables! But we could still beat them!

People came from all over Sydney. There were challengers from St Mark’s and St Anthony’s and Anba Abraam. St Demiana sent some representatives as did the Apostles. And probably others I did not notice in my agony. But no matter … let them come! We were ready for them!

At the half way point, we shared the lead. Yes, everything was going to plan. Let them build up their confidence and then … we’d go into overdrive in the final rounds!

But then the wheels began to fall off!

Our Sudoko expert (Tasoni Georgette) unexpectedly fell sick and couldn’t make it (sabotage?) Fr Arsanius, filling in that role valiantly struggled with puzzle, wrestling it with the full force of his analytical prowess – but he didn’t have his laptop with him! Oh no – that was a 30 point advantage we had to give away. But we could still do it, surely!

We killed the first “Famous Faces” question, but then we went against our instincts in choosing what was behind St Mark instead of our local favorite, Pope Kyrollos VI … and instead of 30 much needed points we ended up with … Siyami Cake! SIYAMI CAKE? Where is the justice????

Then they changed the mix of questions on us! Come on! Where were all the questions about Ishbosheth or the towers if Uzziah? Lo-ruhama and Lo-Ammi we know, but what is this Viduka???

We were beginning to stumble! We fell to the dark depths of 16th position. It was like a nightmare, a nightmare you want to wake up from but you just can’t!

The final rounds, and we bravely knuckled down to make a late comeback. 14th place. 11th place. Yes, yes… 10th place, 8th place … and suddenly, it was over!

AUGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Seriously though, it was a wonderful night regardless of who won (yes, I know, that’s what the losers always say, but in this case, it is true). Believe it or not, the MIB table was actually overjoyed at the outcome of the night. Through the rounds, we were torn between disappointment at every question we got wrong and pure joy at every religious question that everybody else got right. And there were some tough ones in there! You guys have learned your stuff well. And your performance in the general knowledge questions showed that you are very well-rounded individuals.

Christians living in the world, yet firmly and permanently founded in Christ – what more could a bunch of priests (and their wives) ask for? We may not have been winners on the scoreboard, but we certainly felt like winners when we saw you all doing so well and enjoying the night in such a lovely spirit of Christian love and fellowship. Not to mention the countless selfless individuals who gave up their time and effort to make the food, do the decorations, work the IT, prepare the questions, etc, etc, etc. A huge task, and all carried out without a complaint or an angry word, teamwork at its best.

No, we could have come 28th last night and still felt that we were winners – because you are our joy and victory. May God bless you all and protect you from the wiles of the devil. And especially, may He keep that ugly demon pride away from you all. Speaking of which…

We’ll be back next year, and this time …. no more Fr Nice Guy!

Fr Ant

The Blog in Your Own Eye

How hard can it be, really?

As a priest, I often hear people complaining about others. For a multitude of motives, people will come to complain to Abouna, perhaps because he is ‘in charge’ at Church, or perhaps because they think he will fix the person up, or perhaps (I hope not) because they think it will benefit them somehow to tarnish the reputation of their enemy in Abouna’s eyes.

Before I go further, I should probably point out that it doesn’t work, just in case you’ve ever been tempted to think it might be fun. Priests in general do not hold a ‘bad idea’ about anyone. We tend to take the view that all of us, (including the priests) are sinners grappling with their own weaknesses and all equally in need of God’s mercy and grace.

But I wonder why some people do so enjoy picking out other people’s faults? We all do it. It’s an easy trap to fall into. But why do we do it?

Does it make the critic feel superior, perhaps?

Or perhaps it makes him feel better about himself: if you can’t rise to the level of others, the next best thing is to bring them down to your own level.

Does it make him feel intelligent, something like: “Oooh, aren’t I clever for picking that up, when the person I’m criticising clearly has no idea!”

Or is it a sort of passive way to get back at someone. You know you can’t punch them in the face, so you fantasise about condemning them.

Does it distract him from the painful subject of his own faults?

I think I would be very unhappy if my self-esteem depended on putting others down. How miserable! And what a waste of time! Surely my self-value is not relative? Whether I am a good person or a bad person depends on who I am, not on how bad others are. If all around me were evil, horrible people, and I was no worse than a simple liar, that doesn’t make me a saint, simply by comparison!

The danger in finding lots of specks in other eyes, of course, is that I might never focus on the log in my own eye. This has two rather undesirable consequences:

1. I will never be able to repent from my sins, for I will never become aware they even exist.

2. When the time comes for me to be judged by the real Judge, He will apply the same degree of mercy to me that I applied to others. Uh-oh…

Now I am getting worried. I’ve been writing a lot of opinions on this Blog. Sometimes, they have been quite critical. Have I been focusing on the specks in the eyes of others, while all the time neglecting the blog in my own eye?

Fr Ant

PS A person whose vision is obstructed by a log is unlikely to have the ability to see something as small as a speck anyway. Think about it….

My Golden Chest

What is it like to be one of those whose names are written in the Book of Life? The following is only a fictional metaphor of how I see it:

I found a golden chest one day, buried in the field. It was small and it was covered with grime, but in curiousity I dug it out and cleaned it and opened it up. And what did I find inside but nine little jewels sparkling like the sun. They had names on them: love and joy, peace and patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness and gentleness and self-control.

I closed the chest and hugged it to my heart. It was too beautiful for words. It was what my heart had long desired without ever realising it!

Nearby, I noticed something glimmering in the sunlight under a bush. I went to explore, and there I found some more magnificent gems. These were a brilliant diamond named Truth, a bright red ruby labelled Faith and a soft blue sapphire with Humility inscribed upon it. I opened my chest and added them to my collection. I was the happiest man in the world! How could a poor man like me have come upon such unimaginable wealth?

But it wasn’t wealth in the normal sense, I realised. Wealth is only wealth if you are ready to spend it to buy something else you need. Here I had everything I needed, and I would NEVER part with my chest, nor the smallest of its contents. If wealth is to already have everything you need, then I was the wealthiest man in the world!

The days and years passed, and I kept that chest clung close to my heart at all times, for I loved it. Whenever I needed nourishment or encouragement, help or comfort, I would find it in the contents of that golden chest.

And I clung to it with everything I had. It wasn’t easy. For sometimes, it changed…

I clung to it grimly when once I was swimming across a deep swirling river and the golden chest suddenly turned into a heavy stone that weighed me down and seemed to be sucking me into the cold dark depths. But I would not let it go. Better to drown and have my golden chest than to live without it.

And I clung to it when it suddenly changed into a life preserver, full of a Spirit lighter than air, that smoothly lifted me back into the fresh clean air above the river, and dried me off and took away my fears.

I clung to it when it became icy cold and threatened to freeze my heart to the hardness of stone. It ached and hurt more than I can describe, yet I clung to it with all my strength, for what is my heart without my golden chest? No, I would not let it go.

And I clung to it when a fire was ignited within it and engulfed it, and my heart with it. A roaring blaze, an ecstasy of undiluted Joy that scorched my heart with its power, for hearts like mine are not made for such temperatures. Yet I clung to it, for to let it go would have shrivelled my heart far more than any flame.

And I clung to it when it became a soothing ointment, after the ice and the flame, that was balm to my heart and brought the sweetest, sweetest relief and pleasure.

I clung to my golden chest through these and many more trials besides. I clung to it, because I had invited it to become a part of me, and it had accepted. To lose it would be to lose myself – I would no longer be me, but someone else without it. If I had let it go, my heart would had gone with it, for it had become one with my heart, and there was no instrument or surgeon in the world who could separate them from each other.

My Golden Chest is me, and I am my Golden Chest. I will never let it go, whatever happens. In fact, I don’t think it possible any longer for me to let it go. And I am most content that that should be so, for I love my Golden Chest with every fibre and sinew of my being.

Fr Ant

The Muslim Menace!

Muslims are invading our land!

Not content with persecuting Christians in their own lands, they are moving into countries like Australia and slowly taking over. Every Muslim is in on this evil plan. They have a multitude of strategies: building mosques everywhere, marrying Christian girls, training terrorists in Muslim schools, forcing Prayer Rooms to be provided in public places, insisting on praying five times a day, wearing the veil … where will it stop?

Beware of any Muslim you meet – they cannot be trusted! They are sneaky by nature. They don’t have loving families like we do – they just have children to populate the world with Muslims and to send them off to become suicide bombers.

Hmmm.

Does the above worry you? I confess it worries me greatly. Those words are the kinds of words I hear occasionally from people, both Coptic and non-Coptic. The thing that worries me most about them is that they are not Truth. As Christians, as followers of Christ who called Himself “the Way, the Truth and the Life”, we should be concerned with the truth above all else.

Now it is undoubtedly true that there are Muslims who are fanatical in their approach to their religion. Not in a nice way, that would make them pious and ascetic and full of works of charity (yes, giving to the poor is often commanded in the Quran), but fanatical in a way that says, “We are superior to everyone else and everyone else must submit to us”. Of course they don’t say it that way to themselves. To themselves, they say, “Our religion is superior to all others, and therefore everyone in the world must submit to Allah of Islam”.

Strange that they should take the foundational name of their religion, “Islam” and twist it so. It was meant to refer to a willing and free choice of the person to submit himself to an All-Powerful God. Instead, the fanatics twist it to mean forcing people to submit to God through submitting to them, here and now, politically rather than spiritually. That’s the fanatical fringe that gives Islam a very bad name. But they are only a minority.

Yes, it is very disappointing to see that often Muslim leaders do not stand up to this fringe and set them straight. For example, when 9/11 occured, I was incredibly disappointed that for a long time, no significant Muslim leader came out and publicly stated that this was an abomination and a disgrace to any religion. Instead, we heard Muslim leaders trying to change the subject and ask, yes, but why did the terrorists do this? Solve the problems of Palestine and you wouldn’t have 9/11s. Of course, this is ridiculous. It’s like saying to someone whose father has just been murdered by an irate neighbour (as was recently in the news) “Well if your father hadn’t expressed his opinion he’d be alive now – don’t blame the murderer!”

Put it another way: if Copts committed some horrible act of terrorism, what do you think Pope Shenouda and all the Coptic leaders would say? I’m pretty sure (going on past precedent) that His Holiness would immediately come out and condemn the violence, perhaps even excommunicate those who practice it or condone it. He would make it very clear that such violence has no place whatsoever in the life of a genuine Christian. I wish the Muslim leaders would do the same, and to be fair, they have moved a little in that direction in recent years, though not nearly enough, I suspect.

And yet, I fear that Christians have nothing to feel superior about here. The History of Christianity itself is strewn with horrible and vioolent acts, all perpetrated int he name of religion. Think of the Crusaders, the Byzantine army in Egypt after Chalcedon, Ireland of the 1970’s … Today we see clearly that this sort of behaviour is totally incompatible with authentic Christianity, yet the ‘Christians’ who performed those awful atrocities managed to twist their faith so much as to find support for their actions from it.

But put all that aside for a moment. What about the average Muslim ‘on the street’ so to speak. What has he / she to do with the fanatics? I believe the majority of Muslims are not in sympathy with the fanatical side of their faith. To wear the veil, to want to pray regularly every day, to fast and to go to the mosque – these are not acts of evil, these are acts of loyalty to their god, and this is not something to criticise. Considering what I wear out every day, I would be the last one to criticise a Muslim woman for taking the veil which seems so alien to Australian culture! And given the state of my facial hair, could I condemn the devout Muslim who grows his beard?

My experience with Muslims has taught me this – they are as varied a group of people as any other, and to stereotype them and pigeon-hole them is grossly unfair. We should take each individual for what s/he is as an individual. Certainly, there is a background of faith and culture that we do well to understand, but there are those who take the best of the Muslim faith and live by it, and there are those who take the worst. And many in between.

I recall that in Egypt soon after my ordination as a priest I encountered both extremes. On the one hand, is a group of little children, probably no older than 10, whose game of street soccer I walked past one day. They saw my clerical clothes and cross and stopped their game long enough to hurl abuse at me, and one even picked up half a brick and tossed it in my direction. Scary.

On the other hand, was Muhammad, the grocer in the shop near the flat were I was staying. Whenever I would enter his shop he would actually ask all the other customers to please wait while he served ‘the man of God’. He explained that it didn’t matter that I was Christian. By honouring me in this way he was honouring God Himself.

And everything in between…

We have to be very careful about stereotyping people, foir this is a form of judging others, and a very subtle and sneaky way the devil leads us to feelings of self-righteousness and superiority and pride. Yes, we should rejoice at the beuaty and purity and truth of our Orthodox Christian faith, but not at the expense of putting down others. Nor should we condemn a person, passing judgement and sentence on them without ever really understanding who they are and what they are like, simply because they belong to a particular race or a particular religion.

That is not how God looks at us. He looks at the Christian and the Muslim and everyone else and asks, “What is the best this person is capable of?” And then He strives to bring us to that ‘best’. Do not look for the evil in people, but look for the good, and strive to be the hand of Christ that leads all people to Him who is Truth and Mercy.

Fr Ant

Political Pantomime

Well, wasn’t last Tuesday night interesting!

We had the pleasure of the company of four politicians, Rev Fred Nile (Christian Democrats, State), Edmond Atalla (Labor, Local), George Bilic (Liberal, Local) and Paul Green (Christian Democrat, Federal). We expected some fireworks, but not quite what we got!

The aim of the night was actually to explore whether sincere Christianity could be compatible with being a politician. Politicians get a lot of bad press these days. They are accused of lying, breaking promises, manipulating people and situations, being vain and so on. This is unfortunate, because most politicians I have met actually do strive to do a lot of good for their constituency, and do work incredibly hard to achieve it.

I think this side of the politicians came out last Tuesday – we found out how they deal with thorny ethical situations and how they do try to use their Christian ideals as the ‘compass’ by which to steer their decisions.

Unfortunately, something else also came out last Tuesday – the bitterness between the two major parties! Yes, George baited Edmond and Edmond fought back, and we got one of those classical ‘my party’s better than your party’ arguments going. Perhpas whoever said that you shouldn’t mix religion and politics was right! A pity, for that was the very thing we were trying to get behind, trying to see if one’s genuine ideals could be more important than playing the political game.

I wonder what you thought of it all?

I have often mused on whether our system of govrnment could be improved. Does anyone really benefit from all that time and effort and money that is invested into getting a party re/elected? Is it good for individuals to have to sacrifice some of their own personal ideals for the sake of ‘the party’? Or is it the only way to get enough people agreeing on something so that something actually gets done? If we abolished the party system, would our parliaments descend into a chaos of endless debates?

As Christians, we are meant to take an active part in the welfare of those around us. Having and effective and compassionate system of government has ahuge impact on the lives of everyone in this country. It was hoped that last tuesday might inspire some of our young people to consider entering politics in order to make a difference … if they felt that was their calling from God. I wonder now whether it might not have turned them off …

Fr Ant

Is Anyone Hungry?

Last night at the CCP we were talking about the nature of serving God and of the person who serves God when an interesting contemplation came up.

In the passage about the end of the world, in Matthew chapter 25, Jesus tells those on His right side, “I was hungry and you gave Me food, I was thirsty and you gave Me drink, I was a stranger and you took Me in, I was naked and you clothed Me, I was sick and you visited Me, I was in prison and you came to Me”.

I find this image quite beautiful. You can almost imagine the surprised expressions on the faces of these people. “When did we do these things for You?” they ask honestly. (It would have been no good just being quiet and hoping He would not notice that this was a case of mistaken identity!) They couldn’t remember ever seeing Jesus and doing something for Him. Perhaps they couldn’t even remember doing those things for “the least of His brethren”. The reason for this apparent amnesia is that they did these services without even thinking about it. Do you remember what you had for dinner last Tuesday? Unless you’re some sort of obsessive gastrophile, the answer is probably ‘no’. Eating is such a normal, basic part of life. For these people, helping others is just as normal and basic in their life. It is something they did without even thinking about it – it just came naturally.

That’s what it takes to get to Heaven.

But that’s not the end of the story. Think about those things that Jesus ‘was’ when they served Him. Sound familiar? In fact, they are all the things we ARE, spiritually speaking. Spiritually, we are hungry, thirsty, a stranger, naked, sick and in prison:

Hunger: we ache for the empty hole in our lives to be filled with the love and the purpose that God gives.

Thirst: we are parched with yearning for the sweet cool living water of the Word of God, the Truth that satisfies.

A Stranger: we are strangers in this world, lost, without a place to rest, not belonging, trying to find our way home.

Naked: our sins leave us exposed before God’s penetrating gaze, and like Adam and Eve before us, we feel the shame that sin brings, and need Him to clothe us with His mercy and forgiveness.

Sick: our thoughts are those of a fevered mind, infected with the plague of worldliness and selfishness, desperately in need of healing and comfort.

Prisoner: we have allowed ourselves to be taken captive by the merciless enemy, the devil, who enchains us cruelly – who will set us free?

So you see, it was not our service for Him that was really important in this whole exercise, but His for us! He saw that we needed all those things, and desperately. He came to us, and did all those things, or at least, He offered to, if only we would accept. And those of us who accepted were so changed that they couldn’t help doing the same things back to others. Much like a little child whose parents always say ‘please’ and ‘thankyou’ to her at home, so she goes to school and says ‘please’ and ‘thankyou’ to her teachers and fellows.

The key, if you trace the story back, was when the human soul accepts the service offered by Jesus, accepts His feeding, giving drink, clothing etc.

It’s that simple.

And it’s that hard. Do you accept Jesus’ service each day? Do you choose to come before Him with your hunger and thirst and take from His hand His life-giving spiritual nourishment?

When I was little, we got a pet cat simply by feeding a stray for a few days on the back verandah. It decided to adopt us and make our house its home. So devoted was it that we actually ended up getting three generations of cats, and only broke the relationship when we moved house. The person who gets used to coming to Jesus every day (if not every minute) soon also may choose to make His House his home. He becomes part of His family, and remains with Him to the end of his days. Does this describe you?

We started by talking about serving others. We ended by finding that it is we who are in need of service from Christ. If you do not feel that you have this kind of relationship with Him, don’t just sit there … do something about it!

Fr Ant

My Sole’s Desire

If ever there was an unsinkable sin, it is pride.

Just when you think you’re finally getting the upper hand, in it pops into your heart again like sand from the beach in your shoes. That’s the darned nuisance of it! It is too small to notice, until it builds up and grates on your sole (soul). And when you finally pay attention to it and start shaking it out, it just never seems to go away. You can’t SEE anymore of it, but once you put your shoes back on and start walking – there it is again, annoyingly irritating!

And if, by some miracle of grace you manage to free yourself from its clutches for a little while, don’t get too comfortable …

It lies in wait, silently stalking the unsuspecting prey. Let him feel secure … let him think himself safe … the safer he feels, the easier to hunt him …

Sure enough, just when you thought it was safe to go outside …

BANG!!!

Back to square one, yet again (sigh).

Why is it so hard?

Is it because we so easily confuse our need for self esteem with its correlating vice, the need for the approval of others? Or is it because we think so little of ourselves that we need to invent things to feel good about? Why must I be great / special / popular / successful / wealthy / powerful / admired / (fill in your own brand of pride here)???

Why can I not just accept that this is who I am, this is how God made me, and that He knows what He’s doing? If I could drum it into my thick head that God actually loves me as He made me, and stop trying to impress Him, or me or anyone else, life would be SO much simpler. “But by the grace of God, I am what I am” said St Paul.

Perhaps that’s what it takes. He said that because he knew that all his life he had to live with the knowledge that he had previously been responsible for the deaths of hundreds of innocent, gentle Christians. That sort of burden weighs you down so much that there isn’t a lot of room left for pride underneath it.

When we are most broken, then we are closest to God…

Perhaps, then, the answer lies in learning to know myself truly, learning to understand my profound weakness on the one hand, and God’s immeasurably greater mercy and love on the other.

Oh well … “In your patience possess ye your soles”.

Fr Ant